The Devlin Deception: Book One of The Devlin Quatrology Read online

  "Here in America, most of us are familiar with hearing moms telling their misbehaving kids, 'Just wait till your father gets home.' Well, for anyone who's been misbehaving, inside or outside our borders, I have just two words for you: 'Daddy's Home.' And for those of you who know how I've run Donne Enterprises International, you know I do NOT mess around. Another word to the wise. Got it?

  "For some of the biggest bloodsuckers who've been feeding their egos and their bank accounts from the federal trough, that gravy train comes to a halt right now; that includes all lobbyists, PACs and political analysts, because there will be no federal elections for the foreseeable future. As a side benefit, we won't be assaulted with all the negative ads that most political campaigns bombard us with.

  “For some others, who've benefited from federal largesse, but not to the bloodsucking level, that ol' gravy train will either come to a halt this January 1st or slow down quickly until coming to a full stop on January 1st of 2013; and that includes ALL business and agricultural subsidies, the so-called 'loopholes' in the now-defunct tax code and the special non-taxable status of most so-called 'nonprofit' institutions. Again, for the truly vulnerable, you will find some changes to the 'safety nets,' but nothing that you won't be able to handle.

  "And for the many people in this country who have gotten spoiled, coddled and pandered to by politicians seeking only to be re-elected and refusing to make unpopular but necessary decisions, I will tell you frankly, those days are over. I will not make decisions simply because they'll be unpopular, but I will also not shy away from making needed decisions because they may be unpopular. I don't plan to play Santa Claus, and I will be insisting that Americans start the process, if they haven't already, of growing up.

  "There will also be many changes on the social front, most of them designed to increase your personal freedoms and choices. You'll find all of these on the web site at ten p.m., but just for a few quick examples, marijuana will be decriminalized on January 1st, 2012, and production and sales of it will be licensed and taxed, beginning in July 2012, and ..."

  Debbie, Darryl and many of the other regulars cheered.

  "... gay marrage, abortion and assisted suicide (using the Oregon law as a model) will all be legalized as of January 1st, 2012, about three weeks from today. The same goes for prostitution, using the Nevada laws as a model there. Pornography, too, but not child porn."

  At that, a variety of applause and boos resonated through the whole restaurant. Of course, booze circulated, too.

  "Additionally, although I am not and never have been a smoker, all federal, state and local laws, statutes, regulations and ordinances restricting smoking in outdoor areas are now repealed, other than within ten feet of entrances to highly trafficked buildings, and local business owners, including, but not limited to, restaurants, bars and retail establishments or any business open to the public, may decide for themselves whether smoking will be allowed in and on their premises."

  Debbie, Darryl and many of the others cheered even more loudly. In the back office, Joe and Pete exchanged glances and smiled. Joe made another note.

  "As for Donne Enterprises International, some of you know that I've become a multi-billionaire over the past three decades, but as of today, I've severed my operational relationship with the company, leaving it in the capable hands of my COO, chief operations officer, Wes Farley. And, Wes, I have to let you know that you'll be getting no favors and no inside information from me. You're on your own, and I know you'll do right by the company, its clients and employees.

  "And as a tiny sign of my confidence in my plans for the country, I'm immediately donating two billion dollars from my personal wealth toward the 2012 deficit, and I encourage others on my economic level to do similarly. Together with (ready for another buzzword?) shared sacrifices, we will be able to pull this country not only back from the brink and up by its bootstraps, but forward into a successful and sustainable growth trajectory and to return to our rightful place as a shining beacon to freedom- and success-seeking people around the world.

  "Now, putting all the needed policies in place is sort of like putting a huge jigsaw puzzle together, and a lot of smart and dedicated people have been working with me on these policies for months as we've prepared for this occasion, and so far tonight, I've spoken mostly in generalities. Now I'm going to give you some of the details -- not all of them, 'cause I don't have the time and I doubt many of you watching this do, either -- but here are a few of the major ones, mainly on income taxes for businesses and individuals.

  "But first, since I've fired the President and the entire Congress and there'll be no more federal elections for the foreseeable future, I will be confiscating all campaign funds, all PAC and SuperPAC monies and all lobbying funds held by registered or unregistered lobbyists and applying them to the deficit."

  Everybody in Slinky Joe's cheered, other than Debbie Jackson, who had fallen asleep with her face on the bar; she awoke enough to give out a groggy "Yay" and then closed her eyes again, a little bit of drool sliding onto her forearm.

  (Author's note: Here come the numbers. Policy wonks: notepads ready? JD)

  "Now, as to taxes, major changes. Here to my left is the current tax code, totaling more than 72,000 pages. Here's the new one, three pages for individuals, ten pages for businesses. Here's some details.

  “Effective January 1st, 2012, there'll be a maximum rate of 21% of GAAP earnings for businesses with over $10 billion in revenues, with no subsidies or so-called 'loopholes,' 100% expensing, with a territorial system, and dividends will be fully deductible; in fact, dividends paid in 2012 will be granted a 150% deduction, not just a hundred. This will apply no matter what form of business structure you have, be it corporate, partnership or sole proprietorship. For businesses with less than a million dollars in revenue, the rate will be 10%; between a million and 10 million, 12%; between 10 million and 100 million, 14%; between 100 million and one billion, 16%; and between one billion and ten billion, 18%. The maximum rate of 21% kicks in when revenues are above $10 billion. Those rates will apply to all earnings, not tiered, as with individual tax rates."

  In the back office, Pete said to Joe, "That's good, right?" Joe nodded and said, "I think so; I'll have to run the numbers to be sure, but it sounds good."

  "And since businesses will have no more lobbying expenses, they will give the government the average annual amount they've spent on lobbying, including campaign contributions, over the last five years, in addition to their taxes. Since there will be no more federal lobbying, I'd encourage all businesses to get refunds, to the extent they can, of any prepaid lobbying expenses.

  "Also, to encourage the repatriation of the trillion-plus dollars held overseas, we will only charge a 5% tax rate on funds repatriated in the first six months of 2012.

  "For individuals, the top rate will be 27% of all income, earned and unearned, with NO deductions or exemptions and only two tax credits: the foreign tax credit and a new charitable tax credit of 50%, limited to 40% of your income tax liability. So if you donate a thousand dollars to your favorite charity, you'll be able to take five hundred bucks off your tax bill, which is much more generous than the current charitable deduction. Lower rates of 6, 12, 18 and 24 percent will apply at income levels below $1,300,000 for individuals, and the first $20,000 is not taxed at all. Incomes from 20 thousand to 40 thousand will be taxed at only six percent. From 40 thousand to 100 thousand, you'll pay a flat 12 percent; between 100 thousand and 300 thousand, it'll be 18 percent; and it'll be 24 percent on the next million. That's for individuals. For couples filing jointly, double those numbers and subtract one percentage point from the tax rate; that should help balance out the 'marriage penalty.'

  "The capital loss offset against ordinary income will be raised from the current $3,000 to $25,000, and then indexed for inflation in future years; again, double that for couples. No change to the carryover provisions. Also, as of January 1st, there will be no differentiation between short- and long-t
erm gains or losses, and neither you nor your broker will have to report all your individual trades; you'll be able to rely on your broker's summary of capital gains or losses and report that on a single line on your tax return.

  "Social Security benefits will not be taxed, but welfare, unemployment payments, food stamps and other federally-funded benefits will be.

  "There will also be a minimum tax of a little under two bucks a day for every resident, other than those who are listed as dependents on another taxpayer's return and those under age 18 or over 80, beginning in 2013, but only half of that, a bit under a dollar a day, starting in 2012.

  "There will be no alternative minimum tax nor any estate tax.

  "And since Democrats have generally tended to call for higher taxes, we'll give you what you want; everybody who is registered as a Democrat will pay a 20% surcharge on their income tax bill. Registered Republicans will pay a 15% surcharge, since they've generally called for lower taxes, but have also increased spending on a near par with Democrats. Registered independents will pay a 10% surcharge. This will be based on your registration as of today, so there's no point in rushing to change that. If you are not a registered voter, there'll be no surcharge. I will reconsider these surcharges for the 2014 tax year, but you can count on them for 2012 and 2013.

  "There will be a national sales tax, on everything except labor, energy, medicine and consumer medical equipment, of 4%, beginning on April 1st, 2012, with an offsetting nonrefundable tax credit of $375 for those whose total income is at or below 125% of the poverty level. On January 1st, 2013, that credit will increase to $500. Again, double that for couples filing jointly. This tax will also apply to all online retailers who deliver to customers within the USA.

  "The amount that triggers a 1099 will be increased to $1,000.

  "The limit on contributions to the tax-free Roth IRA will be doubled to $10,000 for 2012 and go up by 1,000 dollars each year after that for the next ten years. I would strongly encourage each of you to contribute that maximum, if you can.

  "One special additional tax will only apply to people who've worked at high levels in the federal government and then gone on to leverage their position into a high-paying job in the private sector, what we've come to call the 'revolving door,' or to demand big bucks for speaking, writing or other celebrity pursuits. And that tax will be 50% of any income they make as a result, in addition to their regular income tax. This tax will also apply to anyone who has been entitled to Secret Service protection since the year 1990.

  "As for non-profits, all 501(c)(2, 3, 4 and 5) institutions with revenues of over a million dollars a year will be taxed at the greater of 50% of gross donation and/or grant revenues OR 50% of their average annual gross donation and/or grant revenues over the past five years; it'll be 20% for those under a million, 10 percent on those under $100,000 per year, and zero on those under 20,000. Local governments may also begin charging them property taxes; no more tax exemptions there. And they will also have to pay the national sales tax, as well as state and local sales taxes.

  "Combined with the charitable donation tax credit AND the fact that as of this moment, the federal government will no longer be giving grants to ANY nonprofits, donors will be able to exercise much greater freedom of choice as to those institutions they want to support. Which nonprofits thrive and which don't survive will be up to the PEOPLE, not bureaucrats.

  "We will be creating an app for filing your simplified tax returns, which will work securely across all platforms; that'll be ready by mid-2012, so you'll be able to file your returns on your smartphone, PC or any mobile device.

  "Individuals will also have the choice of filing their 2011 taxes under the new rules or the current ones, whichever is more advantageous for you.

  "And to combat identity theft and tax refund fraud, individual taxpayers will need to provide a thumbprint on their paper form or in the app that we'll be creating for the digital platforms. Obviously, we'll have alternatives for amputees and others unable to provide a thumbprint, and we'll work hard to address any privacy concerns.

  "Also, when our GDP growth rate has reached five percent, halfway to my goal, I will look very seriously at lowering both business and individual tax rates. But we've got to get there first, okay? Another word to the wise.

  "Another tax, but one with which I expect near-zero compliance, is a 150% tax on all revenues from criminal activity, especially drug dealing, combined with much tougher penalties for failure to pay that tax at a local bank or police station within 12 hours of receiving the revenues. While that may not generate many dollars directly, it will give prosecutors a new tool to fight serious crime, and penalties will include confiscation of ALL of the criminals' assets, using the same burden of proof the IRS uses, and as you all probably know, the IRS can be relentless. I call that the Al Capone tax, and it begins right” ... Donne snapped his fingers ... “now."

  “Also, lawyers, individual or as business entities, will pay double the tax rates I outlined earlier, and major penalties, again with the IRS burden of proof, will apply if any lawyer does not comply.”

  At that, the entire crowd in Slinky Joe's erupted in applause and cheers, other than from one table in the corner, where two attorneys were dining with their mistresses, and from one woman, Colleen, the wife of an ambulance-chasing lawyer, who was at another table with her lover, Keith, a local developer, whose wife, Damin, was having a torrid affair with Bill, a local dentist; Bill's wife, Deirdre, was involved in an equally torrid affair with Tom, an ex-councilman.

  Tom's wife, Nicole, was having an affair with Isabel, the wife of Karsten, a local Elvis impersonator, who was currently belting out a gratingly off-key rendition of “Blue Suede Shoes” at The Coach, a competitor of Slinky Joe's across US 41 in the hardware plaza, whose owners had not even mentioned the speech to their customers.

  Karsten, in turn, was having his own affair with Ned, the owner of a closet-organizing franchise. Karsten and Isabel's marriage was clearly a double-beard.

  Ned's wife, Sandy, was at that moment sharing a bouncing bed at a local motel with Anthony, the president of the local branch of a national bank and deeply involved in money laundering for the Sinachoa drug cartel, while Anthony's wife, Jessica, was shrieking with fake delight in Colleen's bedroom with Colleen's husband, Joe.

  “Double the tax?” Colleen muttered to herself. “I'd better divorce that sleaze bag now, while the getting is good.”

  Donne continued, “Additionally, both sides of settlements in any divorce at or above $200,000 will be taxed at 20 percent.”

  Colleen reconsidered briefly, but only briefly.

  On the following Monday, she met with a high-priced divorce lawyer, as did thousands of lawyers' spouses all around the country. Thousands of domestic violence complaints were lodged against lawyers over the weekend and in the following months.

  Donne continued, "You'll be able to find all the details of the new tax code in Section 2 on the web site at ten p.m. tonight.

  "When you get to the web site, you'll find an index by subject, like energy, education, health care, insurance, defense and tort reform, just for a few examples, so you can quickly find the directives that are of particular interest to you. None of the directives are more than three pages long and, again, they're all written in clear, straight-forward English. You'll also be able to find a 'Download All' link where you can download and save or print all of the directives I signed today; they're available in a variety of formats. And each and every one of my future directives will be uploaded by midnight of the day I issue them.

  "There's also a link there for feedback, and I personally want to encourage anybody to use that link and tell me what you think about the directives I've issued so far and make any suggestions you want for future policy. I know that opens us up to lots of nutcases and passionate malcontents, and obviously we'll screen those out, but if you've got some reasonable and well-thought-out ideas, I want them to reach me so I can consider them. I particularly
want to hear from people who have firsthand information and opinions about absurdities, corruption and inefficiencies in government that need to be fixed, especially in the regulatory arena.

  “We'll also be setting up teams here to utilize all forms of social media and get good back-and-forth communications going.

  "And I'll give a very public hint to you investment types: do a lot of analysis of ALL the pieces to help you decide what you want to do when the stock, bond and currency markets open on Monday. I will make no predictions on that, other than that I would expect some volatility during the early part of this transition.

  "But I will let all traders and investors know that as of midnight tonight, the uptick rule will be reinstated, and as of February 1st, 2012, the wash sale rule will be repealed. As of January 1st, naked shorting will be rooted out and SEVERELY punished. So if you're holding any naked shorts, you've got three weeks to unwind those. Yet another word to the wise.

  "Now, I know many of you watching this have interrupted your Friday night entertainment, so I'm going to wrap this up with just a few final thoughts.

  "First, the web site with all the directives I've issued today, as well as a replay of this speech, which will be active at precisely ten p.m. tonight, is www.____________.gov, as you see here on the screen. It is hosted on Donne Enterprises servers, with multiple mirror sites, so anyone who wants to dig into those details can do so, with no worries about the servers crashing, even if those Anonymous clowns try one of their cyberattacks.

  "Second, while this has been a very general speech, with only a few specifics, by noon tomorrow, I will have posted a series of videos going over all the details of today's directives, section by section. Those videos will also be available on Donne Enterprises servers, and the web address is www.__________1.gov, as you see below. So just add the number 1 to the other web address.

  "Third, I'll be looking forward to the Sunday morning talk shows, and I fully expect to see all the usual spin doctors, poll dancers (that's p-o-l-l, by the way), pundits, special interest people, professional mudslingers and possibly even a few reasonable analysts, and if you watch any or all of those shows, I'd encourage you to carefully consider their biases, constituencies and/or clients as you listen to what they say. Keep your eyes and ears open for hints of greed, direct or indirect; another word to the wise, okay? And watch how they play with the word 'fair.' Oh, remember the sandbox on the Titanic, too.